Mother's Day Stories! Contest for free EBOOK!

Queen for a Day with Manure in her Shoes! (Cross Post...)

So, if you are like me you have high expectations for Mother's Day! It is the equivalent to going to your favorite theme park with many children in the heat. In theory, a great day is in store Maybe you will get a bubble bath! Maybe a massage or a nap! Maybe everyone will be well behaved, not spill, not fight and only be aware that they want to please you at every second of the day and night. And then life gets in the way. The kids scream, it is hot, you fight with your husband and you are cranky because things didn't go as PLANNED (and as women we hate when things don't go as planned-even though they never do). It all started when I woke up with my eyes GLUED together from the pollen. I looked like I had been crying all day after going head to head in a boxing match with Muhammed Ali. I get up (take Zyrtec) and have a brilliant idea. I will make chocolate pancakes for the kids for breakfast --- Mark is at church with the band. I eat a pancake. Go upstairs to get dressed...am then reminded AFTER eating the pancake that I have gained 10 pounds (NOTHING IN MY CLOSET FITS ME)....It is Mother's Day and I have NOTHING to wear. I have to look nice (isn't it expected on Mother's Day...not a jeans to church type day). I tell myself that after church I am putting everyting in a box labeled 'things I am too fat to wear' . It takes me an hour to pick something out. I was not happy...We get to church. All is great. We go for Pizza afterwards (I have a salad). We are there ordering. The waiter says "Hey aren't you guys so and so" I say "Yeah"...he says "I'm Jason! You know Gretchen's Jason!" I then realized my waiter is the boyfriend of my friend who is divorcing my other extremely good friend for no reason (the reason is serving me pizza). He walks away. Mark and I say "i didn't know Gretchen had a Jason did you?" I said "NO!" Shmoopy says "I knew ..don't you ever read facebook?" So I come home...I am handed beautiful Mother's Day cards...all very sweet. Girls and I then leave to pick up flowers. As I was leaving I say to the guys and Shmoop..."all I want for Mother's Day is for you guys to clean up the kitchen (pancake pans and melted chocolate on the tablecloth)...can you make it nice for when I get back?" They say "Sure"....We go get flowers and place 2 50lb bags of top soil OR BLACK KOW cow manure in the back of the van...We realize we have only one little hand shovel so go shopping at the dollar store for others and get beach shovels because they don't have any real ones(the brightly colored plastic flimsy ones meant for sand ...not NC clay). After 2 hours, I come home...whistling like Snow White...I come into the kitchen and turn into Cruella Daville when I see that the kitchen is still a PIG STYE and the familial remainders at home are happily hanging out on my day NOT cleaning the kitchen,.I yell"HEY! Someone come down here and clean!" My hubby gets bent out of shape because I am yelling....he says "I told Shmoop to do it! lighten up"...she starts screaming because she is trying to nap in the basement...Hubby says to me "You come in here like some DIVA or something"...Okay..Ladies ...are you feeling it with me yet (IT'S MOTHER"S DAY!!!! ARGH)..I had planned on asking him to carry the 100lbs of MANURE out of my trunk...I said "can you just do one thing for me?" He is fuming...and then I say (like CRUELLA DAVILLE) >.."Nevermind I will carry the Cow Manure on Mother's Day by myself!" ...So I do....We go out to plant the flowers....My teenager who had been forced to wake up at 2:30 pm to clean the kitchen screams out the door ..."If I clean this I am not touching anything for two weeks." I get mad and insist she gives me her cell phone...we argue back and forth outside by the idyllic memorial flowers soon to be planted...as the neighbors are greeting their guests who are dressed in Ralph Lauren polo dresses carrying a dish to pass into the neighbors house. I chase Shmoop downstairs and get the cell phone while she angrily cleans up the kitchen....Meanwhile the kids outside are miserable with their plastic beach shovels complaining that their red wagon is covered in BLACK KOW manure....Bella Boo who grew up in Ethiopia watches her sister Gratootie work like a trooper as she says it is too hot and she is afraid of bugs (she lived in the country in Ethiopia where they sometimes would see lions in trees and giraffes would eat the cow's food and she would sleep in the hay sometimes...and it would get really hot). Princessa throws a fit because she wanted to be the one with the purple bucket....SCREAMING and sprawled out having a latina fit ... as another perfectly happy well dressed guest heads into the neighbor's house...with a southern pound cake. The kids only survive 3 flower plantings leaving me to DIG out 20 more holes and fill with manure and pinestraw for the next two hours....eventually I give Shmoop her cell phone back and head up stairs...Mark has cleaned the entire upstairs and placed a new white table cloth on the table....I look down at my feet and find an earth worm on top of my shoe mixed with BLACK KOW....Then it was time for dinner....Andrew made me a salad after playing catch outside against the wall for an hour (doubt he washed his hands)..the salad was a strawberry, apple, orange, carrot and cinnamon salad...low in calorie...perfect for my new diet.I never got around to putting my clothes in the boxes and was tempted to eat an entire pound cake myself after the craziness but held my own..Mother's never really get a day off..do they? Please share with me if you have a similar funny and not so perfect Mother's Day.. please share (video or written)....fill out the Mr. Linky at MOTHERHOOD IN REAL TIME. Be sure to hit the follow button on the side. And somehow add my link http://www.motherhoodinrealtime.com at your website to join...funniest story gets an ebook of TO BE A MOTHER (my soon to be released book/which is a pro life memoir)..