BEING a Mother!

I started writing poetry when I was about 7 or 8. I remember placing the poems in my mother’s jewelry box. I was a little shy about reading them to her . My mother and father were divorced when I was around 9. My poems were a way of my expressing my struggles and stress. My mom secretly would submit my poems to the PARENTS WITHOUT PARTNERS kids talent contests. I won many awards for my poetry. It gave me so much encouragement during a time when truthfully I was confused and grieving over not having our Dad living with us. It was tough learning how to be in a family without him and mom worked 4 jobs to support us. She is still supporting us in many different ways. She always wanted us to strive to be whatever we wanted to be. We grew up to be extremely independent women and all moved away from our home in Illinois pursuing our career goals.

Last October my friend Lynette Lewis ran an event in NYC called PureLIfe. One of her talks was titled “Dreams Awaken.” During her message I was reminded, pleased and teary eyed in realizing that I had indeed fulfilled my dreams. I left Illinois and the comfort of my mother’s arms as a teenager thinking all I wanted to be was a singer or actress or something in the limelight. I wanted desperately to MAKE IT. While sitting there at PURELIFE listening to Lynette I reflected on a conversation I had with my Aunt Claire when I was really young (about 8). She said, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Her question totally confused me. I never even knew I had to decide to BE anything. I looked up to her and said, “I want to be a Mom and get married.” At that point in my life all I longed for was for an intact family and to live happily ever after. She said, “What do you want to BE?” Again I said “a mom”…. She said, “You can be anything you want …what do you want to be?” My sister Denise came in the room. She was about 11 and said, “I am going to be a pilot like Amelia Earhart.” It was clear to me what Claire was getting at. Motherhood wasn’t a respectful option to her or to many women during that time. Women were trying really hard to establish their worth and I can respect that totally and I thank the women for fighting for equality. But her message to me was that I had to choose something that would make more of a mark in the world than merely being a mother. In watching my mother struggle and in not ever really knowing a man who was consistently supportive both emotionally, financially or in any other way to a woman I quickly learned that my first dream would have to die and I would have to know the answer to Claire’s question. At the time it seemed to boil down to a means to survive. The next time someone asked me what I wanted to BE …I knew the answer would be “I want to be a famous singer or movie star.” My family and relatives were very happy and pleased with the answer. I was also happy because I always felt safe and happy singing and received much love and adulation through the applause. But being a singer was not my first and deepest desire.

As I sit her today with my husband, home and six children I am so humbled to know that even when my first dream died inside of me and seemed so unattainable…Even when I shoved that desire away for many years and believed that I could never afford the luxury of simply having a loving husband and children, God was faithful and remembered the deepest dream of a sweet little girl who only wanted to be a Mommy and find a man to love her. I thank GOD for not making me a movie star or a pop star with many gold records. Thank you God for knowing my true heart.

There is nothing in my mind and heart that I can think of as being more satisfying and noble than being a mother. I have never sung a song or hit a high note that has been more fulfilling than the look in my children’s eyes when they say, “mommy I love you so much.” All of the million dollar parties with their gold leaf plates and top shelf champagne pale to me in comparison to the crepe paper flower my daughter gave me today. I am glad though that I caught a glimpse of my life without them. The limelight can be a very dark place when you are standing there alone and empty without people you love to share it with. I was looking into the abyss…and yet now what I see today is so full and deep.

I pray that the mother’s out there that opted not to go to the big city but stayed in their small town raising kids know that being a mother is in God’s eyes beautiful and the best thing you could ever Be. I pray they don’t have regrets. I pray they aren't thinking that raising children was second best. I pray that they have joy when they see their children and know that there is nothing out there better. There is no place better than being home with them in your arms. I thank my mom for her focus on wanting us to BE whatever we wanted to be and I hope you know Mom that without your love and support I could never be here living my dream, surrounded by six of the most incredible awards ever (seven counting my husband), Mark, Samantha, Andrew, Grace, Ella, Jared and Matea. They are much more valuable than any Oscar, Grammy, Tony or Emmy.